Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
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Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off