I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.