Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
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I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.