[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
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My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK