HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I was just discussing this with my cat
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.