My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
sensitive skin
is it earth
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.