Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
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I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
LOL
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker