I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.