meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: âIs that what you think youâre like???â
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh thatâs too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Iâm sorry I said yes when you asked if Iâm a people person, I thought you said pizza.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
đś I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Wait!! There’s a box??? đđ
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. âSea-witch who steals voicesâ is a real job. âLady with snakes for hairâ is a real job. âProphetic hag who appears only in dreamsâ is a real job. Your career is valid â¤ď¸
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Just ran into my therapist and she didnât recognize me and Iâm not sure who Iâm supposed to talk to about this
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.