everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes