I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I missed you with all my darts
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.