[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
You Might Also Like
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The funk soul brother
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Seems legit