God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
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The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters