9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying