Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Them: You should try keto
Me:
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.