When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.