[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
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You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Muppet Screams
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.