Everyone’s family
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me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.