Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.