Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Friday night party time 🥳
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.