Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.