Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
You Might Also Like
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.