He died doing what he loved: being alive
You Might Also Like
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
This is me
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?