Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.