You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH