Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.