Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.