*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
You Might Also Like
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.