Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late