I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
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*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
mathematically impossible
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.