There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break