When you’re here for the treats.
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[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Me :
All Day At Night
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
haha same
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.