Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
can you read it!!??
maan!
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”