When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.