Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Yup!
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
The cashier just checked me out.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.