Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
You Might Also Like
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Admin smashed it 😂
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.