Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote