Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Happy weekend !
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want