I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay