DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone