Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
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“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I finally found a reason to live again.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam