I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
no one likes gloating
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.