Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit