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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
okay run it by me one more time
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.