Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?