I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
absolute chaos
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower