♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
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It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago