Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!