[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I love twitter
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?