“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Chicken bread